Many of us feel like we’re running around in circles. That’s not this. This is a simple tool that will help walk you through life-altering decisions. I would recommend doing this at the end of every year or whenever you feel stuck…
As I coach people in various sectors, the same three problems keep cropping up in what keeps them from the bigger reality they see int heir minds eye. Many feel deep down that something needs to change in their lives. In fact, they say this much! But the follow-up question and answer gets a little blurry. It typically goes like this:
“What do you want to change?”
”I don’t know…everything!”
My next task as a coach is to help them parse out the mess on the floor and bring some clarity to their lives. That typically goes like this:
”Okay. I hear you. Let’s start with your circles of concern. Personal Life (you, your family, your friends). Professional Life.”
Simply looking at this delineation of responsibilities helps people. We often get overwhelmed with the day-to-day that we forget that, yes, they are all connected…but they are also distinct and manageable if we simply slow down and define what the issues are.
The PERSONAL CIRCLE.
I often start with the Person (the innermost circle), because that is (1) where most people have the most problems and (2) it influences and affects the others circles (think of a rock dropped in a pond and the subsequent ripples) and (3) it’s the only thing the client can control.
Within this circle, as you see, there are three other circles. Each of these must be tended to in turn in order to find a place to gain purchase for your feet. Your Mind, Body, and Soul must be tended to. More on that at another time. Suffice for today that you simply consider these three areas and evaluate where you currently are and where you want to be. Are your thoughts mostly positive or negative? Are you exercising regularly and eating a balanced diet? Are you spending time in silence and solitude and prayer and reading Scripture?
An honest evaluation is often the hardest for people because they are either blinded by the problems or they are blind to the positives in their lives. This is why a coach, a third-party non-judging and non-emotionally involved person is immensely helpful. We are either too soft or too hard on ourselves. Having a coach helps you be more objective.
Your FAMILY CIRCLE.
But they I have people list out the familial relationships in their lives. Like their names. Now, not every family member will make this list. And that’s alright! No judgment. Simply ask yourself, “Who in my family do I want to cultivate time and my relationship with?”
In fact, let me give you a little freedom here…and this may seem unkind and it may seem calloused. There are people in your family that need to be left off this list. Just because you are blood-related, this does not mean they de facto get on the list. This may be very hard for you to do…that’s another reason why an objective third-party coach can be helpful in cutting through the guilt and noise.
Ask yourself this: “Is this family member someone I am obligated to maintain relationship with?” If so, how much? Put numbers by them. 1-4. The lower the number the more obligated you are to them…and the more time you ought to spend with them. And then put a number on that. If someone gets a 1, then spend once/month with them for 90 minutes. Someone who gets a 2 gets one coffee or phone call every two months…and so on…Perhaps even a 4 gets once/year at family get-togethers.
The FRIENDS CIRCLE.
The next circle of Friends might be even harder. We live in a very individualized and overly busy culture right now. So much so, that there is a loneliness pandemic. (Look it up!). It’s even worse in the United States than other countries, who really value community. But in this circle, I want you to write down all the people who are not related to you. And I want you to give them a number of 1-10. This scale is a little inverse of the Family scale. a 10 goes next to the person’s name who (1) makes you feel like a 10 when you leave their presence or (2) is the kind of person you want to be like. And go through the same exercise you did with the Family Circle. Begin putting time allotments next to each number. Tally those numbers up and then you’re probably gonna have to start cutting even more…
The PROFESSION CIRCLE.
Lastly, most of you reading this are simply putting up with your job. You are grateful for the paycheck, but it doesn’t light a fire under you. Perhaps you need to find a new job…and you need someone to tell you that and give you the freedom to do just that! But perhaps you need to see what opportunities there are in this circle that will bring you joy and fulfillment. In this circle, I want you to draw a + and – two-column comparison chart. Put all the positive things about your current job and put under the + column. Do the same for all the negatives and put under their heading.
Make sure you write down EVERYTHING that comes to mind. This may take a couple hours…and it is worth the investment of time if you consider the ramifications and inertia to overcome if you actually end up looking for another profession.
Now this is going to seem VERY elementary, but I want you to simply add up each + and each – and put them together. Is the TOTAL positive or negative?
Okay. Drill down a little deeper. For each + and – I want you to assign a 1-3 of their importance to you. That is, proximity to house may be a +1, while a domineering boss would be -3. This is assigning a VALUE to you and is specific to what you want to be true of the work you put into the world.
Now tally those numbers up. What’s your score? Are you surprised?
Before making the decision to stay or go, pull someone aside who is in your FAMILY and one who is in your FRIENDS lists and ask them. Show them your work and get their feedback.
Even better. Reach out to a Coach and ask for help in being more objective and to hold your feet to the fire so you actually begin to see some change!