The Counseling Tool: Silence

I remember in my early days of faith and of pastoring my desire to help others. I wanted to help them grow. Help them see. Help them understand. Having an elevated view of God's Word being able to speak to the soul, I would often wrack my brain, in the moment of listening, to try and think of a passage of Scripture that would speak to that situation. Of course this was motivated by an earnest longing to help. Which is good, right?

What I have found over the years, though, that you can't truly listen and wrack your brain at the same time.

Have you ever been to a dinner party where you're talking to an acquaintance and words are volleying...but for a moment you look in their eyes and you realize they're not really there? They're either thinking of their next comment or they're "conversation shopping" the room (listening for a different conversation they want to be a part of). Either way, you know they aren't there with you.

This is even more problematic when you are sharing some bit of struggle or suffering in a living room with a friend. You're crying because you have tried a, b, and c to no avail. After you're done and reaching for a tissue, they seem a little to quick on the draw to say, "It's all gonna work out." Or worse, "You know all things work together for your good." The problem is they don't know that whatever it is is going to work out. What is worse, they are presuming that working out means the end of the pain. Also embedded in this uncaring counsel, cloaked in garbs of piety, is the assumption that they know the good.

What if the "good" is that I sit with this pain for years or even the rest of my life? Has it all really "worked out"?

I still know and will hang my hat on the sufficiency of Scripture to cure what ails me. But at this stage of my life, I am a little more suspicious that we know how to wield it effectively or with the appropriate pressure necessary to bring the healing. I have found that being silent is better than speaking in counseling. I have found that asking questions is bette than having answers.

Someone might retort, "Well, what a fine physician you would be! I go to a doctor for healing...and you just look at me?" Therein lies the problem. Too many times we do go to the physician to relieve the pain...as a result we actually stunt the empowerment that could have resulted from not getting the acetaminophen. But a good physician knows their limitations...and they know the body well enough to let it do the work that God made it to do. Yes, there are definitely times the morphine needs to be administered. But a good physician knows dosage and timing. They also know that sometimes the pain is indicative that the body is doing the work and to insert into that process would stymy lasting growth and heath.

So it is in counseling. I may know that someone is struggling with fear and anxiety. I may know that certain passages of Scripture would clearly apply...but am I merely treating the symptoms of something rather than the issue? The only way to know is to listen more than you think you should.

I have been on the receiving end of people listening my symptoms and not discerning the sickness. It helped to give me a few verses and send me on my way. We both thought the work was done...but it had merely been put off. You see, the fear and anxiety I was feeling was merely a symptom of a misunderstanding of who God is. Or a misreading of the situation because my ego was putting a certain hue on words and facial expressions. Had the counsel I received sat a listened just a little longer...until it was more uncomfortable for them than it was for me!...they might have heard some of these problems begin to sprout up as I relayed situations and my interpretations of them.

I have found over the years that silence is not wielded in the counseling room because we too often (as the listener) aren't comfortable with the uncomfortable. When someone says something a little off theologically, we are too quick to correct and say, "Well, you know that's not right about God." Perhaps by letting the comment roll, you might hear the deeper more real reality to the person seeking help.

This goes for counseling believer and unbeliever. Seeing that all people are made in the image of God, whoever is sharing with you has logic and reason as part of that imago Dei. We can lean on that truth and let them talk. Let them process. Ask questions to understand more.

For the believer, silence is also key because they have been given the Holy Spirit of God who is helping sanctify them more and more into Christlikeness...to become more of who they were created to be. You can lean on him, the Holy Spirit, because he is present with you in that space.

You are called to simply listen and understand more than than you think you are. You don't need to give an answer. That's not your role. Your role is to properly diagnose the issue and help the person see it for themselves.

Yes, you are a guide. Yes, you are called to speak truth and grace. But you are also called to know when the proper word should be spoken (Prov 25.11 after all). There is an appropriateness to the timing of counsel. This is only discerned by calm and presence.

I am convinced that there are two things true when people give advice. (1) They intend to help and have been told they need to make sure they point people to God; (2) They lack the self-awareness and subsequent tact to give good advice at the right time. As a result, people get hurt. People don't have deep and lasting change.

Therefore, be quick to listen...to truly listen. To actually see the person in front of you as a fellow pilgrim. Who is your mirror of your foibles and shortcomings too. To behold in the face of another human being, the most precious and needy being you ever come in contact with. And simply behold...in silence.