I had a coaching call with a young mother yesterday. It was SO encouraging and her desire to grow and develop into a better version of herself is clear. One of the things I shared with her was that most people say they want to change, but so few are ever actually intentional about it. The fact is: we all change. Our biology. Our mentality. Our emotions. Sometimes the change is incremental…and in degrees…but it happens Every. Single. Day.
Whether you want to or not, you change. The people around you change.
Change is what life is.
The question you have to ask yourself, though: Do I really want to change? And then: What am I willing to do to change?
Most people want to drop a few pounds. Or they want to stop yelling at their kids. Or they want to change their career path. These things may happen, but they won’t happen in the way you want them to unless you go through these three internal changes.
- Humility. This characteristic is in short supply in our current cultural milieu. The human tendency is to be bombastic to get more clicks or to try and talk over opposition. But at a more fundamental level, we need to reckon with the fact that we need help to have deep and lasting change. If you were to ask most people, they wouldn’t say they are proud. And yet…day after day, they don’t experience the change they want. They have the same frustrations they did last week and the year before. They still binge watch when they wanted to read more. They ate the whole pizza…again. They didn’t go to the gym…again.
Instead of admitting they are having trouble chaining, because they are embarrassed of their limitations, they stay the same.
The funny thing is. Everyone knows they haven’t changed and can’t do it on their own.
The first step to true and lasting change, is to swallow your pride and admit that you can’t do it on your own. - Honesty. The hardest thing for me when I set about on my health journey was to step on the scale. I had felt my pants get tighter. I had seen the buttons pull a little more…But instead of opting for honesty, I opted for, “These pants must have shrunk a bit. After all, they are cheap pants.”
Honesty requires you to strip naked in front of the mirror. To step on the scale. To say, “No more excuses.
Most people think they’re honest. BUT they actually fudge on the truth. They don’t confess to their irritability or their inability to self-regulate their emotional eating. I know. Because that was me. Until I had an honest moment to step on the scale and write down the number.
- Hurt. You wont change until you slow down long enough to acknowledge the pain that is caused by your unwillingness to change.
I mean it. Sit down and consider what that one thing is that you want to change (mindset, diet & fitness, spirituality)…what has it cost you? Anxiety. Depression. Loneliness. Aching joints. Sloth. Gluttony. Every choice you make (or failure to choose, which is a choice!) has a consequence. You just haven’t slowed down long enough, been honest enough, not sat in the pain of your unwillingness to change.
The Secret Sauce. Once you consider these three needs for deep and lasting change, you need to be pulled forward into a compelling vision for how your life would improve when you make the change.
I talk to people ALL the time who see their lives and are disappointed. BUT they are unwilling to do the harder work of actually doing the work of self-reflection. That is really what we are after.
Instead of avoiding or explaining away your problems…you will find great freedom and joy when you take ownership of your choices. Your unwillingness to forgive is your choice…and it’s been killing you on the inside. That is not to excuse the other person. You can’t control them or the past. What you can control is your decision to move on. To not let that person or circumstance define your future. But that will take some intentional time.
Once you’ve considered what your lack of change has cost you, consider how changing in that one area will improve your life. Close your eyes and see you ten pounds less…or calm in a chaotic moment…or able to move past that past. Isn’t it beautiful? Isn’t it liberating? Isn’t empowering?
Once you let a more compelling future sit before your eyes, you’ll be pulled toward it…slowly…but surely.