I had a conversation with a friend the other day and they confessed (though didn’t apologize, mind you) to having judged decisions I had made. These pre-judgments were out of ignorance and not once did the person talk to me to find out the circumstances surrounding various decisions I had made. Instead, they succumbed to the narrative they had built and thought they knew well enough to condemn me to the pit of stupid decisions.
I was astonished, not at the hubris in the pre-judgment…I was astonished at my own hurt at being told these things.
I work really hard to be honest and transparent and vulnerable to others. I try to model the life that I believe my faith in Jesus has called me to live. I have to constantly remind myself that the only perfect human being told not one lie, sought the good of others always…this perfect one was greeted with followers that didn’t understand or accept all of his teaching, he was accused of the opposite of what he intended, he was maligned and consigned to the history books as a fraud, and crucified. For being honest and true and gentle and lowly and kind!
So if the one I follow was rewarded with those things, why am I surprised when people pre-judge me and condemn me…without even asking just one question!
Not only was it a surprise, but I was left numb for the next several days by feelings of betrayal and the hypocrisy of a so-called friend. As this person came to my house and wore a smile, all the while they were judging me. That stung.
Does such condemnation also make you cynical like it does me?
I started to process this frustration and stymy the siren call of shutting people out. And here’s what I came up with that I thought might be helpful for you too.
We are afraid of judgment because we are finding too much identity in our performance.
I pride myself on having good intentions and wanting the best for people. I do what I say I’m going to do. Yeah, I’m an old school “my word is my bond” kind of person—why else say it!? But at the point this friend said this judgment sprang up, I was worried that this person had not noticed all the other good actions I had done to prove my worth. I had to free myself of that.
Perhaps that didn’t hit like it did me.
Maybe, then, you don’t think you’re afraid of people’s judgments of you. But ask yourself this: Are there things in your life you’d like to do, but are afraid people will think you lost your way or forgot a feasible North Star for your life and decisions? In other words, you’re worried that people will think you’re stupid? That, my friend, is fear of judgment.
The way out.
(1) Open Up.
The way out is to do the opposite of what we less-than-perfect humans tend to do. Instead of closing off, open your heart up more. In other words, love the one who strikes you on the cheek. Love the one who doesn’t love you enough to ask questions. Love people who don’t seek to understand you.
This doesn’t mean you have to give them previous access to more vulnerable pieces of you. They have to show they are capable of handling those precious pieces. To not be judicious yourself with who you are vulnerable with and the varied levels they have access to is like giving an inimitable heirloom to a toddler and expecting him to treat it with the reverence it deserves. In this way, then, you need to judge who has access to the deeper parts of you. It is not unloving to not give everyone the same relational access to every part of you. It is loving to yourself, so that you can be full throttle of who you are with those more intimate of trusted confidants.
(2) You Do You.
While I’m not the biggest fan of how this phrase is used (as a way to stop conversation and disagreement rather than seeking understanding), at the end of the day, you have got to understand that you are only responsible for your actions…not others’ reactions.
Make the commitment to live according to your ethic, rather than expecting someone else to.
(3) Consider the Source.
I often find my greatest ally in the war against inadequacy that sprouts from judgment by others is simply asking the question: “Is this someone I would take advice from?” OR “Is this person living the kind of life I want to live?”
If the answer is “No” to either one, you will find a growing freedom from not worrying about their opinion of you. This is due to their ethic and standards being different than yours.
Judgment never feels good. BUT if you want to make a difference in the world, by its very nature, you are going to upset people. People do not like change that doesn’t benefit them (or at least as they perceive it). If you are called in any way to lead others or to effect change in the world…you will be judged, condemned, and maybe crucified.